Knowing how someone wants to be loved and then providing that love are two separate things. Sometimes marriages and other relationships end because either one person does not understand how to meet the needs of the other; or one partner refuses to meet the needs of the other.
To love consciously is a choice. Mary Beth and I often say that being married is very similar to having another full-time job – you get out of it what you put into it. For my wife and me, our marriage is like a savings account. We make deposits into it never expecting we may need to make a withdrawal. However, when we do request a withdrawal there are usually no associated penalties.
Yes, we argue over the temperature in the car or who really forgot to feed the dog, but when it really matters; when it really counts, we make the consciousness choice to give each other the love that is requested and needed.
With close to 23 years of marriage under our belts, we have found the following strategies work best to love intentionally and to love authentically:
Show Appreciation
A simple “thank you” in response to a trivial or ordinary item can make a significant difference. It only takes a few short moments to utter these two words, but the impact can be felt for a very long time.
Showing gratitude is also the best strategy for ensuring the things you are most grateful for continue to happen. When we stop and tell our partners what we are grateful for, we are also telling the Universe. By making the effort, the conscious decision, to express our thanks we are in a better position of receiving more of it in the future.
If you want your partner to be grateful, it starts by you showing gratitude, first.
Be Happy, Not Right
Here’s a question for you, “Would you rather be right, or happy?” Too often our pride and egos can keep us from enjoying intimate relationships. We stew over what we think are injustices, but are perhaps only misunderstandings.
We carry grudges and do not show enough grace, passion or forgiveness to the person we care most about. Our need to be right can overshadow our need to receive, and give, love.
Take a look at what your pride is costing you. If intimacy is strained and the relationship is off track you may want to reconsider the value of your anger or self righteousness. Here’s the thing: You may be right in the argument although you partner thinks otherwise, but you will never be wrong when you put your partner first. Happiness always feels better than vindication.
No Day But Today
What would you say to your partner if you knew this was the last day you would be together? Would you complain about the television being too loud, or would you remind your partner of their value and significance?
Life does have an expiration date. This isn’t meant to be a downer – just a reality we all share. It’s what you do with this information that will make the difference. While it’s very difficult to sustain a high-level of connection and passion on a day-to-day basis, there are some simple things you can do to convey your partner’s importance to let them know they are important today:
• Kiss your mate at least twice a day
• Leave a quick note just to say “hi,” or “I love you”
• Never do anything you wouldn’t want your partner to know
• Be fully present when they need to talk or share something important
• Make the effort to spend some time together each day
• Give a compliment
• Make your partner feel important
• Smile
No Judgments
Judgments are often times rooted in perception, not reality. Judgments are also a piece of how you see the world, not the way the world, or in this case your partner, actually exists.
The harm with judgments is resentment and anger are typically the outcomes – not the change that is expected. When a judgment is made, there is an implied belief the behavior or trait being judged should be corrected. However, the person receiving the judgment does not always share the same expectation.
As a result, communication is impaired, connection is deteriorated and conflict ensues. To love deliberately and consciously requires loving your partner with a different filter – a cleaner filter that does not have the residue of past containments.
Be Aware of Your Own Thoughts & Feelings
Loving authentically is dependent on loving yourself, first. Before you share love, and share yourself with someone, it is important to beware of what you want. Reality suggests, however, we fall in love and begin relationships before we have a clear idea of our own true feelings.
When this happens, there is still plenty of time to discover your needs – this is called growth. Give yourself opportunities outside of the relationship. Build friendships and pursue interests on your own.
A good relationship exists when both people can live without the other, but choose to be together. A relationship built on a foundation of sharing different interests cultivates more life and depth into it.
You own your thoughts and feelings. These make you unique and keep you grounded with who you really are or growing to become. By doing so, you are in a much better position to love freely and honestly. Nature has a way of taking care of those things we put the most energy in and want to grow even stronger.
Loving Consciously
The power of love extends its reach when we will love intentionally. Real love, authentic love, springs to life and is sustained when we make the choice to feed it with our deliberate passion. Our souls are nourished when our partners realize we know how to love them.
There will be a day when I no longer share this life with my wife. When that day arrives, my hope is she will know my intent was to discover exactly what she wanted and my conscious choice was to give her more of that.
Are you looking to be in love? If you want to find romance, sign online today. Our dating services will put you in touch with possible love interests from all over the world. Whether you are looking for a relationship or just a friendship, let our online dating website help you find romance!
Recommended Resources
If you enjoyed this article, please subscribe via RSS feed or by email updates. You will receive fresh, new content free of charge!
Receive the new eBook: How to Finish Strong in Life. How to Finish Strong in Life is a collection of our best articles on how to improve relationships, sustain happiness and create lasting success for the rest of your life. The book is a reminder that it’s not about how you start; it’s about how you finish in life that counts. Buy it here for only $4.95
If you find this website helpful, please consider donating to The Next 45 Years. The amount you donate is entirely up to you. Thank you for your continued support.
Join the Rich Life Club today and begin fulfilling your maximum potential.
February 6th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
A really nice article…bookmarked!!
Thanks for sharing,
Keith Johnson, Author of “365 Great Affirmations”
February 6th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Thanks for the bookmark Keith. I’m glad you enjoyed the article.
February 6th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Excellent, Alex!
The casual observer might find it ridiculous to hear how many times Kathy and I say “I love you” or to see the minor kindnesses given between us day in and day. However, in 21 years, we have become more and more in love. We are truly blessed.
As with any communion where one is perfectly matched, such a marriage is the most powerful of spiritual practices.
Continued blessings and joy to you and Mary Beth,
CG
February 6th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
CG - this is why you have been married for 21 years, awesome!
February 8th, 2008 at 12:27 am
Hi Alex,
What a beautiful article. I really enjoyed it. I’ve stumbled upon your page, as a token of thanks for the advice on what it means to love your spouse.
You’ve put up a timely piece with Valentine’s Day round the corner. Then again, there is no need to wait for a special occassion to show our appreciation to our spouse…..
Love,
Evelyn
February 8th, 2008 at 4:12 am
Well said Evelyn! No matter the day, our partners and spouses always want to know they are cherished and loved.
February 12th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Well said and positive. However, we also need to do little things (or stop doing little things that are put-offs) to make relationships work. People Power Granny has enumerated those little things that try marriages and households. She also has a poll where readers can vote on what bothers them most. Check me out!
February 16th, 2008 at 12:35 am
Alex - great post! I wish I had read it before I wrote my last Love series post today. We were thinking a lot on the same lines only you elaborated more and went into much more depth. I like it.
February 17th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
[…] LOVE, THROUGH TIME Alex Blackwell presents How to Love Consciously posted at The Next 45 Years. You know, this is simply a good, well-written article on how to build […]
February 17th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Alex, your love for your wife shines through in this article. A person that says to his or her spouse that “I shouldn’t have to say I love you. You should know that I love you.” is a fool. We all need the words, not out of insecurities but just because it feels so good to hear your loved ones say that they love you. Like you said, we, none of us, know whether we have a tomorrow. I Stumbled the article also.
February 18th, 2008 at 5:50 am
Patricia - you are so right! I look forward to hearing these words each day.
March 1st, 2008 at 9:17 am
Dear Blogger,
I found your blog while doing research on what makes relationships work and I am impressed with what you have to say. Your readers must be getting a lot from your contributions. Keep it up.
My name is Steve Martin and my wife and I run The Positive Way website (www.positive-way.com) as part of our contribution to helping marriages and other loving relationships thrive and prosper. We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary and The Positive Way celebrated its 12th anniversary. The Positive Way website has over 200,000 words of free relationship and communication content that we have written for our readers.
I thought that you and your readers might be interested in helping us gather information on what really makes love work for the long term. We are running a contest – Love Assurance Contest to find out what other people think is important to assure that their loving relationships will last. The more entries the better as it is important to learn what really works.
The Love Assurance Contest link is http://www.positive-way.com/Contest.htm . It is free to enter and the top five winners will receive one of five copies of the hot new love story Atonement – on DVD to be released March 18th plus a copy of our book Talk to Me: How to Create Positive Loving Communication. The contest is open to age18+ residents of US and Canada (except PR and Quebec) and runs through April 30, 2008.
We’d appreciate a mention and link in your blog if you think it fits your mission. We’ll be happy to place a reciprocal link to your blog on the contest page if you would like. Just email me the URL to the page with contest mention on it and the home page URL of your blog that you want us to link to.
Thanks very much for your help and thanks for the contributions you make with your blog. Also please feel free to enter the contest. You write well and have good things to say so we’d like to hear from you.
Sincerely yours,
Steve Martin
The Positive Way
http://www.positive-way.com
March 24th, 2008 at 2:58 am
Great article and tips! A lot of people take relationship and marriage as something that is expected and for granted. We are the one that have to make our relationship and marriage work. I can relate to your concept of the saving account as I believe that loving and giving should be unconditional.