Feelings of shame can cut us down to the quick and leave us feeling raw and exposed. Learning how to cope with the wounds that shame has inflicted paves the way for healing and the ability to better understand who we are and where we are going. Healing shame-based wounds is important to creating lasting happiness and success.
A piece of my story
Growing up in a house with an alcoholic parent was not easy. I felt uncomfortable making friends because I didn’t want them to see how I lived. From an early age, my life was controlled by the crippling feelings of shame.
I felt if I had been a better child, a more perfect child, then the drinking would have never started in the first place. I thought if I could then learn how to be perfect; then I could find the perfect way to make the drinking stop.
These feelings of shame followed me into adulthood. After college, I threw myself into my career. Not only did I work too much, I believed that if people didn’t like me, and my work wasn’t perfect, than I was flawed as a person and as a man.
My shame created the damaging material for the tapes that kept playing in my head; over and over again. These tapes would tell me that I was weak, not lovable, and broken.
However, through one life-changing experience (which I will share later in this post) I started a journey toward healing. I have been able to reframe the origin of my shame and begin the process of recovering from it. I’m still on this journey and understand that the journey will last a lifetime because we can never truly be healed; but we can always be healing.
The difference between shame and guilt
Shame is sometimes confused with guilt or embarrassment. Guilt typically surfaces when you will feel as though you have done something wrong or inappropriate; for example, when you run a red-light or cheat of your taxes.
Shame, on the other hand, assaults our core and sense of who we are. The waters of shame run very deep. Guilt and embarrassment are more superficial and usually temporary.
Why shame hurts
Perhaps you have internalized shame to the point it has become damaging to your sense of worth
and self. When you live with a sense of self that is actually distorted, you have the tendency to hide your true self because you think you (and others) will not like what you see.
For me, my purpose in seeking perfectionism was really just an attempt to overcompensate for feeling weak (unable to stop the drinking) and broken (discouraged by all that it had cost me) – two things very different from perfectionism.
If left unacknowledged, shame will only find a way to continue surfacing in your life; no matter how hard you try to keep pushing it down. When pushed down, shame can manifest itself in the form of addictions (alcohol, food, sex, etc.), depression, loneliness, social withdrawal and obsessive-compulsive behaviors. All of these are very painful; and all are very hurtful to you and the people in your life.
Shame hurts so much because it makes you toxic. The enemy of your soul feeds on this toxicity and becomes even stronger from it and more determined to keep you from realizing that you are a valuable and worthy person. These feelings are painful and sometimes crippling. However, there is hope. You can choose to challenge the enemy and begin the healing process.
Strategies to shed shame
1. Ask for help: This has to be the first step. Remember, you cannot change
or heal what you do not acknowledge.
A life changing experience that helped me begin the process of shedding my shame was a seminar I attended four years ago sponsored by HeartConnexion Ministries.
If you feel crippled by the effects of shame-based living, I would encourage you to visit the organization’s website. The founder of the ministry, Dr. Paul Fitzgerald, also has a very powerful blog with ideas, inspiration and strategies for dealing with shame. When you make the decision to ask for help; help will be delivered to you.
2. Begin learning new habits: To begin the process of healing shame-based wounds, you need to exchange your old, destructive habits (in my case, working too much and striving for perfectionism) for newer, healthier habits (for me, accepting the fact that the drinking was not my fault; learning to be confident and secure with myself). Over time, these more productive habits will take over of your inner core and soothe the sores left by shame.
3. Accept who you are: The enemy of your soul would like nothing better than to keep you from connecting with your true and authentic self. To defeat the enemy and to begin the process of letting go of shame can begin with a very simple statement, “I love myself.”
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