In the final installation of in the Build a Strong Marriage series, guest writer Mort Fertel shares a piece of his personal story to explain how important it is to step away from the problems in the marriage and instead, embrace and connect with your spouse in truly meaningful ways.
If you’re reading an article about how to improve your marriage, you’re probably expecting to learn problem-solving strategies, communication techniques, and insights about gender differences. Do I have a SURPRISE for you!
The key to renewing your marriage is NONE of those things.
How do I know this? Because I experienced it!
Unlike other relationship experts who approach the topic from a clinical perspective, for me saving and restoring marriages also very personal. I’d like to share with you my story.
My wife and I started out deeply in love. I remember staying up all night talking, surprising each other with thoughtful gifts, and speaking to each other in code words. You know the feeling of really being connected? That was us.
But then something happened that destroys most marriages. We had a son who died when he was just one week old. And then we had twin daughters, who also died as newborns.
Understandably, my wife became depressed. I coped by immersing myself in work. We ran from each other emotionally.
Your situation probably was not so tragic, but something happened. What was it? How did you lose each other? Maybe you can’t put your finger on it, but things just aren’t the same. That’s common too.
For us, after losing 3 children, everything felt different. Instead of talking all night, it was a chore to talk for a few minutes. Instead of using our code words, we used curse words. Our relationship consisted of screaming matches and silent treatments.
Somewhere deep in our heart though, like you, we knew we didn’t want to lose each other. So we made a commitment to work on our marriage. Sometimes I tried and my wife didn’t. Sometimes my wife tried and I didn’t. We went through different stages of “trying.”
What did we try?
We tried the obligatory, “Honey, let me repeat what you said to make sure I understood you correctly.” We applied conflict resolution strategies. My wife learned about Mars and I learned about Venus. We even went to therapy to wrestle with our problems. But guess what. Nothing changed. Nothing worked.
All the advice (books, counselors, whatever) asked us to face our problems. But that just made us feel worse. And fight more.
Then we had a breakthrough.
We decided to SET ASIDE OUR PROBLEMS and try to CONNECT with each other.
We used POSITIVE relationship exercises that transformed our marriage. Not only did we resolve our differences, we fell in love again! And we did it - not by dealing with our problems (as serious as they were) - but by establishing HEALTHY HABITS that brought positive energy to our relationship.
This is the solution to most marital situations! Believe it or not, the secret is to STEP AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS and SPEND YOUR TIME AND ENERGY building your relationship through POSITIVE ACTIONS.
It’s counter intuitive, but if you strengthen your relationship, most of your problems will dissipate and what remains of them can be more easily resolved in a safer, softer, and more forgiving marital environment.
Before you deal with your problems, you first have to build good will with each other.
If your marriage is stressed, do NOT tackle your problems. If your timing is off, trying to solve problems with your spouse will damage your marriage and make it LESS LIKELY that you’ll ever find resolution.
ABOUT MORT FERTEL
Mort Fertel is a world authority on the psychology of relationships and has an international reputation for helping people renew their marriage. In addition to working with couples, he teaches individuals how to single-handedly transform their marital situation.
ABOUT MARRIAGE FITNESS
Marriage Fitness is a relationship renewal program designed as an alternative to marriage counseling. Recent case studies show that it’s twice as likely to successfully save and restore a marriage than traditional counseling.
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