Guest writer Mort Fertel continues today with the Build a Stronger Marriage series by suggesting if you want to see different results in your marriage, then you need to be the person to begin doing things differently:
In your quest to fix your marriage, you may encounter resistance…from your spouse!
Your spouse may dwell on the 101 reasons why “this just won’t work for us” and blame you for every one. Or, your spouse may be emotionally “checked-out” of the marriage and not care about your efforts to improve the situation or be willing to extend any effort of their own.
This, by far, is the most common question people ask me: “How do I get my spouse to change?” Why would your spouse resist POSITIVE change in your marriage and what should you do about it?
There’s a deep-seated belief in our culture that people resist change, no matter what. But is this true? Do people really want things to remain status quo? Do we really not want things to change? If you look closely at human nature, it’s not change itself we resist; it’s change that’s IMPOSED UPON US.
Think about it. We have no problem with change that WE INITIATE. But when we feel forced or manipulated to change, then we resist WITH ALL OUR MIGHT.
Your spouse may not be willing to change for the sake of your marriage right now, but that’s not because your spouse doesn’t want a great marriage. Everyone wants a great marriage. It’s because if they’re going to change, they want the change to be THEIR IDEA!!!!!!
I promise you; your spouse will change when they’re ready to change and not one second before. And the more you push them, urge them, nudge them, ask them, scream at them, or beg them, the LESS LIKELY they are to change. I know it’s hard to wait, but you have to let it come from them.
It’s possible someone could INSPIRE your spouse to change, but the person LEAST LIKELY to be the inspiration is YOU. It’s sad but true. A complete stranger is more likely to get through to your spouse than you are. A chance experience or encounter is more likely to shake up your spouse than anything YOU could do.
I can’t tell you how many times a spouse will say to me that their husband/wife changed for a few days, but then returned to their old ways. That’s because they never really decided to change. They were pressured. They were manipulated. And so it didn’t stick.
If you tell your spouse what to do; it’s a challenge. If THEY decide to do it; it’s a great idea. YOU HAVE TO LET IT COME FROM THEM. That’s the only way it’ll make a difference long term in your marriage.
Now you’re probably thinking, “Makes sense, but isn’t there anything I can do to encourage my spouse’s choice?” YES, there is! YOU CAN BE AN INSPIRING EXAMPLE and let your spouse see how the choices YOU’RE making impact how YOU feel about yourself and your marriage.
Resist the urge to believe that your marriage won’t change until your spouse “gets with the program.” The love YOU feel is much more a result of what YOU DO for your marriage than what your spouse does for it.
We tend to think that the love in our marriage is in our spouse’s hands. But it’s not. Love is a verb. And if we do it - if we love - then we feel love. THE CHOICE IS OURS.
Consider the love you feel for your children. Is it because of everything they do for you? Is it because they’re such angels? Of course not. The love you feel for your children is a result of what YOU DO FOR THEM. The love you feel in your marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.
Furthermore, there’s no better way to inspire your spouse to make the choice to change than to make that choice yourself.
So, bottom line - as Mahatma Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see.” It’s YOU changing that has the greatest impact on YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it’s YOU changing that is the single most important thing you can do to motivate your spouse to change.
ABOUT MORT FERTEL
Mort Fertel is a world authority on the psychology of relationships and has an international reputation for helping people renew their marriage. In addition to working with couples, he teaches individuals how to single-handedly transform their marital situation.
ABOUT MARRIAGE FITNESS
Marriage Fitness is a relationship renewal program designed as an alternative to marriage counseling. Recent case studies show that it’s twice as likely to successfully save and restore a marriage than traditional counseling.
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