Conflict and pain are unfortunate, and unavoidable, in any m
arriage or relationship. At times it may feel as though pain always trumps love and conflict always wins-out over peace. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Even though these periods in a relationship are hard to get through, take stock in the fact the feelings you and your partner are experiencing signifies that hope can also be present. Where there are feelings, good or bad, there is also hope. Hope is a feeling, too.
However, you must want to see hope. You must make the decision to allow yourself to begin feeling hopeful. You and your partner must make the commitment to change.
Commitment to Change
Today’s article will feature the third step in the six-step Imago process. The principles and strategies of Imago Relationship Therapy (listed below) are intended to help you better understand how to get the love you want and to begin building a lasting and mutually nurturing relationship (click here to read Monday’s article for a complete Imago overview).
1. Attraction
2. Power Struggle
3. Commitment to Change
4. Transformational Process
5. Awakening
6. Safety and Passion
The first step in the change process is acknowledgment. Take a closer look at today’s Daily Inspiration:
“You cannot change or heal what you do not acknowledge.”
Begin by acknowledging the pain and conflict. For now, don’t worry about how to remove the pain, only focus on wanting to do so. The want will lead the way.
Understanding Conflict and Pain
In most relationships, the presence of conflict and pain is not because love is diminishing or has vanished. But rather, it’s a misunderstanding of what love is all about in the first place. Experiencing the uncomfortable feelings conflict and pain cause may be just the energy - the fuel, needed to seek meaningful change. In other words, when the pain gets bad enough and the options look bleak is the best motivation to begin looking for change.
However, asking your partner to change is not always pleasant or successful, even if your partner is open to it. The unconscious patterns your partner may be experiencing will undermine even the best of intentions. Therefore, be careful to reframe the need for change not because of any thing your partner is intentionally doing wrong, but to help you heal some old wounds.
It is also equally important the requests for change come directly from the wound that needs to be healed and the receiving partner must agree to at least one of the requests with no modification or negotiation. The requests are made from the place of wounding where the person knows exactly what they need from the other (and needed from the caretakers, but did not get) to satisfy it.
Often times the things requested by one partner are not only what he or she needs to heal themselves, but are those things that the other partner needs to come to terms with as well.
My Marriage
Mary Beth and I committed to change four years ago. Our marriage was not working and the conflict and pain had us on the brink of divorce.
What my wife wanted from me, but was not getting, was for me to be less controlling. Some of her childhood wounds were caused by a very loving, but sometimes intimidating father. Her father believed in old-fashioned values and exerted his control and power with being the “head of the household.”
Mary Beth would often times experience me as controlling which would cause significant conflict in our marriage. My need for control stemmed from the fact I grew up in a house with an alcoholic caregiver. I assumed if I could be more in control, I could control the her drinking.
Therefore, when my wife insisted I change in order to save the marriage and to help her heal her wounds, my wounds felt very sore and vulnerable as well. But, our marriage was not working and I did not want to loose my wife and family so I committed to the change process.
Today, I would say I’m a changing husband, not a changed husband. To say I have changed would imply I have it all figured out and I’m good to go. Not the case. Instead, I’m committed to the process of changing – to continue to move forward the best I can. And to continue to acknowledge the pieces of me that need healing – for my sake, and for the sake of my marriage.
Tomorrow, please return to The Next 45 Years to begin the transformational process and journey for your relationship.
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Next: Transformational Process
Call to Action
Order the Save My Marriage Today eCourse
Play the Imago conversation game: Argue or Dialogue? You choose
ReadGetting the Love You Want by co-founder Harville Hendrix, PhD
Visit http://www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com/